Yes, I have been really upset recently. Too many confusions and thoughts on the future, two not really good weekends and boom! I am in a weirdly bad mood.
But hamdullah! (thanks God!) I still have the power to drive myself out of this shitty road. A few phrases from good friends or from ‘The Secret’, a few thoughts on who I am, what I have, where I live and travel and most of all whom I have in my life and right away it makes the view on my life and this world much more positive.
Life is great! Do not be afraid of taking certain decisions, especially those ones that you think will make you happy. Even if you are afraid of taking them. It is better to risk than to regret. The future is unpredictable and certain events are inevitable.
You do not need to know all the answers. Things around you change constantly and the ones that are unattainable now will not necessarily be this way later as time goes by. A lot of answers will come up themselves in the right time and they will be the good answers.
If you had a lot of successes by now why shouldn’t you have more of them later? It is not only about the luck but also about who you are, how you behave, what you do or who you are with. No matter where you are and what job you do you will always be you. Prepare a short plan but do not try to answer all your doubts. You will achieve what you want.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Truman sleeps
So here I am - almost 25 years old, sitting at the office of a well-known and world-wide recognized company, starting great career and earning good money while the storms of financial crisis destroy the reality around, taking advantages of the health insurance and the retirement plan, having experienced life in various destinations, being able to travel a lot, go out, socialize with people, not to forget - being in a great relationship, living an international life, having many friends all over the world and perspectives of living where I want to ...
The world is mine then, isn't it?
So why do I feel it is not mine? Why am I depressed and neurotic? Why do I feel that the financial crisis has transformed and is taking over me? One day I am happy with all I have and feel blessed the other day (like today) I curse it all? The job that, I do not think, is for me, the other job that, I think, is for me but I do not know what it is and whether I will be able to find it, the relations I am not sure will survive the distance, the will to live in different countries that, I am afraid, will destabilise and ruin my life and the will to stay in one place and settle down that, I am afraid, will kill me too. Recently, I do not have even willingness to try to figure things out and be strong to strive for what I want (what is it actually?). I fought persistently to achieve what I have just achieved and now I even do not know whether this is something what I want. Maybe I believed I needed that but 'what one wants is not necessarily what one needs...'
Am I just unable to appreciate what I have or really what I have is shit and I should change it for something better? Did all those years I fight for what I wanted without realizing it was something that I did not really need? Do I just have a bad day, bad week, bad year or maybe I simply manage my life badly? Do I make myself unhappy with the wrong choices or with not being able to appreciate the good choices and the great achievements.
This is so confusing... I need a good film.
The world is mine then, isn't it?
So why do I feel it is not mine? Why am I depressed and neurotic? Why do I feel that the financial crisis has transformed and is taking over me? One day I am happy with all I have and feel blessed the other day (like today) I curse it all? The job that, I do not think, is for me, the other job that, I think, is for me but I do not know what it is and whether I will be able to find it, the relations I am not sure will survive the distance, the will to live in different countries that, I am afraid, will destabilise and ruin my life and the will to stay in one place and settle down that, I am afraid, will kill me too. Recently, I do not have even willingness to try to figure things out and be strong to strive for what I want (what is it actually?). I fought persistently to achieve what I have just achieved and now I even do not know whether this is something what I want. Maybe I believed I needed that but 'what one wants is not necessarily what one needs...'
Am I just unable to appreciate what I have or really what I have is shit and I should change it for something better? Did all those years I fight for what I wanted without realizing it was something that I did not really need? Do I just have a bad day, bad week, bad year or maybe I simply manage my life badly? Do I make myself unhappy with the wrong choices or with not being able to appreciate the good choices and the great achievements.
This is so confusing... I need a good film.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Paris, Paris
Last weekend was just supposed to be a normal weekend in Brussels. No plans, no expectations. I was actually thinking of spending it to work on my thesis a bit, maybe cleaning (finally!) my room or doing some other boring stuff. I was thinking of spending February only in Belgium.
It did not work out. My boring plans were replaced by something way more exciting - Paris.
I was eating and getting ready (in the same time) for the ritual Thursday party at Havana when I got a call from Carolina, my Italian-Parisian friend recently living in Morocco but being in Paris for a few weeks. She was planning to see me in Brussels but eventually could not make it. So she invited me to Paris for the weekend. She said she would call me back on the next day to get the final decision from me. I had already known what I wanted to do but it remained unsaid. We spoke the next day and I said I would come over in the evening by car. She said 'by car? You're gonna be exhausted after driving for at least four hours' and I replied 'but it's cheaper than taking the exorbitantly expensive TGV and moreover I did the highway a few times and it's ok'. But she would not listen to me and decided to sponsor my trip by train as according to her 'she would pay the same amount if she decided to come to see me in Brussels'. Well, I agreed although I felt weird to let her pay that much...
After our conversation I went straight to the website of TGV and tried to book the train for the evening. For some reason I could not do that. There was an error popping up when I wanted to get the ticket for the train that was leaving three hours later. I was furious. I found their call-centre number and dialed it immediately. As usual a machine answered the phone and after annoying seconds (seemingly ages) of pushing some random button numbers I managed to be put through to a human being. I explained her the problem and she said she would book it for me. I was expecting to pay for the ticket at the train station but she asked me to give her my credit card number. I did that. It only later occurred to me it was not very smart but there was no time to waste. Luckily for me, it was my Polish bank account and it is always almost empty. I rushed home, packed, had a shower and watched one episode of SATC (to calm myself down). I left home at around seven PM, took metro, took the train (only one hour and twenty-two minutes!), took another metro and voilà! - I was at my friends place. I could not imagine that it can be so fast, simple (and expensive). When I arrived I had a dinner with Carolina, her boyfriend Philippe, his family and some more friends. It was nice but also hard for me to follow all the conversations in French.
The next day we all went out for a dinner to some of their friends. It was an uncommon experience. The dinner was hosted by a forty-something, devoted Catholic woman who wanted to celebrate the first free choice in her life - being able to decide what to do with her professional life without considering what others think or suggest which had normally been the case. I was very surprised that that warm and pretty extrovert person took her first step being twice older than me. The other guests included a priest (a former architect), a painter and a gospel singer in one and some other decent Catholic people. The dinner included a few hilarious moments e.g. the priest asking the singer to sing a prayer song just before eating. She started but she forgot the lyrics in the middle so we did not finish that. There was also a lot of talk on different saints, canonizations and beatifications. I could not stop laughing when Carolina's atheist boyfriend Philippe was asked some question and not wanting to be rude he just started replying something with a face expression showing a mixture of confusions and forced but polite understanding. Although the dinner included totally different personalities and people living different lives there was no clash but rather mutual understanding and respect. It was a great feeling to dive into that kind of uncommon to me and unknown reality.
On Sunday, the last day I got the chance to meet up with an old friend (a Moroccan guy I know from Rabat who lives now in Paris), then wander a bit around La Defense, have a drink at Carolina's and Philippe's friends' who just moved into a new loft outside Paris in Saint Denis and then spend some time just with her talking and catching up. Then, one metro, one train and another metro (two hours in total) later I was back in Brussels.
Another trip to Paris on the last weekend of March! :)
After our conversation I went straight to the website of TGV and tried to book the train for the evening. For some reason I could not do that. There was an error popping up when I wanted to get the ticket for the train that was leaving three hours later. I was furious. I found their call-centre number and dialed it immediately. As usual a machine answered the phone and after annoying seconds (seemingly ages) of pushing some random button numbers I managed to be put through to a human being. I explained her the problem and she said she would book it for me. I was expecting to pay for the ticket at the train station but she asked me to give her my credit card number. I did that. It only later occurred to me it was not very smart but there was no time to waste. Luckily for me, it was my Polish bank account and it is always almost empty. I rushed home, packed, had a shower and watched one episode of SATC (to calm myself down). I left home at around seven PM, took metro, took the train (only one hour and twenty-two minutes!), took another metro and voilà! - I was at my friends place. I could not imagine that it can be so fast, simple (and expensive). When I arrived I had a dinner with Carolina, her boyfriend Philippe, his family and some more friends. It was nice but also hard for me to follow all the conversations in French.
The next day we all went out for a dinner to some of their friends. It was an uncommon experience. The dinner was hosted by a forty-something, devoted Catholic woman who wanted to celebrate the first free choice in her life - being able to decide what to do with her professional life without considering what others think or suggest which had normally been the case. I was very surprised that that warm and pretty extrovert person took her first step being twice older than me. The other guests included a priest (a former architect), a painter and a gospel singer in one and some other decent Catholic people. The dinner included a few hilarious moments e.g. the priest asking the singer to sing a prayer song just before eating. She started but she forgot the lyrics in the middle so we did not finish that. There was also a lot of talk on different saints, canonizations and beatifications. I could not stop laughing when Carolina's atheist boyfriend Philippe was asked some question and not wanting to be rude he just started replying something with a face expression showing a mixture of confusions and forced but polite understanding. Although the dinner included totally different personalities and people living different lives there was no clash but rather mutual understanding and respect. It was a great feeling to dive into that kind of uncommon to me and unknown reality.
On Sunday, the last day I got the chance to meet up with an old friend (a Moroccan guy I know from Rabat who lives now in Paris), then wander a bit around La Defense, have a drink at Carolina's and Philippe's friends' who just moved into a new loft outside Paris in Saint Denis and then spend some time just with her talking and catching up. Then, one metro, one train and another metro (two hours in total) later I was back in Brussels.
Another trip to Paris on the last weekend of March! :)
Friday, February 6, 2009
changing vs. fighting
The challenges are a daily part of our lives. The problems show up and disappear. Sometimes they get settled themselves and sometimes we need to work hard to solve them. However, sometimes they are inseparable parts of our lives for a longer period. Sometimes they keep staying in our lives and no signs of them leaving us – problems inside the family, with a job or in a relationship. But what do we do then? Do we fight them? Do we try to improve the situation? Do we try to change the others? Do we try to change ourselves? Are we change-driven or are we resistant? I admire those people who embrace change and try to work things out themselves. They are not afraid of doing risky steps in order to achieve things and ameliorate their lives. I think that sooner or later they always succeed and get what they want. But there are different ways of implementing a change. We can fight strong to change something into a better thing or we can simply dispose of it from our lives. Both ways are surely better than doing nothing but which one of them is better when you compare them between themselves?
To make it clearer I will give you an example:
You are in a relationship - it is going very bad but there are some good aspects and days too.
You have a job that you do not necessarily like but has a lot of positive sides too.
How do you know when you should keep fighting for your relationship and struggle to start liking your job and when you should just give up your job or break up with your partner? When is the moment that there is no point in fighting and the only way you can win is by giving up? How can you see the boundary between the two? Is there any way you actually can know it?
I know it is good to change things in your life by removing them when you are not comfortable with them. But don't we go too far when disposing of them instead of trying to fight and change them for better? Isn't it like continuous running away instead of actually facing and challenging yourselves and the things we want to amend?
When should we stop struggling for things, get them over with and go for the new opportunities? Or when shouldn't we give them up but fight for them?
To make it clearer I will give you an example:
You are in a relationship - it is going very bad but there are some good aspects and days too.
You have a job that you do not necessarily like but has a lot of positive sides too.
How do you know when you should keep fighting for your relationship and struggle to start liking your job and when you should just give up your job or break up with your partner? When is the moment that there is no point in fighting and the only way you can win is by giving up? How can you see the boundary between the two? Is there any way you actually can know it?
I know it is good to change things in your life by removing them when you are not comfortable with them. But don't we go too far when disposing of them instead of trying to fight and change them for better? Isn't it like continuous running away instead of actually facing and challenging yourselves and the things we want to amend?
When should we stop struggling for things, get them over with and go for the new opportunities? Or when shouldn't we give them up but fight for them?
Thursday night fever
Thursday night out is almost like the Sunday service. You feel bad and disturbed when you miss it (well, at least I do!). That is the end of the similarities. When you go to the church you usually do not care at all which one to choose and if you go to any of them you will feel fulfilled. It is not the same with Thursday nights out. You have too many options to choose from and even if you decide on one you will always miss not going for another one. You do not have the feeling of fulfillment.
Havana – a standard Thursday evening / night. There is the ‘Happy hour’ until 8 PM, nice ambiance, good and cozy atmosphere and the fabulous expats all around you. I am lucky to be known by many members of the staff who are responsible for the Thursday after work concept there. Until some time ago they always asked to show the friend card once you are at the door in order to find your name on the guest list and make sure you are ‘a friend’. Some Thursday a few weeks ago I entered and was struggling to find my wallet in the pockets. Before I manage to get it I was already said ‘you are Kamil, right?’ And since then I have no problems with being ‘identified’ by the staff.
Last Thursday, we actually tried to have it all. Verena and I went out to Havana. The party was already starting to kick off and everything was as usual – good music, a mix of interesting people and nice atmosphere. Then Ronny showed up (our dear Ronny – a funny guy whose sense of humor makes me laugh to death). The three of us had a conversation with the manager of Havana after work concept. He was telling us a lot of plans and ideas of what kind of events to organize in order to attract people. Then Ronny shot ‘maybe think of something like the Eyes Wide Shut party?’ I burst with laughing. The manager did not get that. He is a nice guy but he just does not understand our sense of humor. A few weeks ago, a lot of people I know (including me) was invited to join a facebook group called ‘Eyes Wide Shut’. The mysterious creator of the group keeps sending messages about the upcoming party. If you do not understand what I mean, just watch the Kubrick’s movie.
After a while, we decided to break with tradition and tried going to Mirano – an old but still fancy, great and widely known club in Brussels – a kind of a club who plays being hard-to-get. Soon, we were at the door. Although the club did play hard to get, we managed to enter. One thing I love it for is the interior design and the configuration of all the rooms, bars, dancing places, staircases etc. It is pretty spacious, has a few bars in different places and several floors. It actually used to be a theater before. It is not as cozy as Havana though but has its own unique atmosphere that makes up for it. At some point we were dancing in the middle when I suddenly felt I was about to fall on a guy next to me. I managed not to lose the balance and then looked around to see whether people laughed at me or thought I was so drunk (and I wasn’t… that time). Everything around me was spinning so you might think that I was drunk. But what in fact happened was that suddenly the huge dance floor in the middle started spinning around. That is why I almost fell. The dance floor was a huge circle and it started moving. For most of the rest of the night we were literally spinning around on a literally spinning dance floor.
Last night, we also went out to Havana. Although Verena left Brussels for good last Sunday and moved to Maastricht, the Netherlands where she started her masters, she came back for this one Thursday night just to be in Havana. Yesterday, everyone was there – all of my fabulous friends and party-mates. While we were dancing to the music of the cool DJ and the twin brothers playing drums and sax I thought to myself – how many things about Brussels will I miss when I leave the city? Great people I have met, the places I have discovered, the conditions of my work here, the convenience of the life, the proximity of other European cities like Paris or London – quite a long list, isn’t it? Once I am gone from here will I start missing it as much as I miss Morocco? Will I be extremely nostalgic and wishing to be back as often as I can? Or most importantly – will I want to move back here?
There are many similarities between my life in the Kingdom of Morocco and in the Kingdom of Belgium. Both countries provided me with the great lives, some great places to go out, many great ways of spending my time but as well with the moments when I was pissed off, furious or simply cursed it and wanted to be far away. I am going to be the same person anywhere I will live. I will eventually meet the same kind of people and do the same things. I will enjoy it the same way and I will hate it the same way.
I start to think that it is not about Morocco or about Belgium or about any other place in the world – it is in fact about me.
Havana – a standard Thursday evening / night. There is the ‘Happy hour’ until 8 PM, nice ambiance, good and cozy atmosphere and the fabulous expats all around you. I am lucky to be known by many members of the staff who are responsible for the Thursday after work concept there. Until some time ago they always asked to show the friend card once you are at the door in order to find your name on the guest list and make sure you are ‘a friend’. Some Thursday a few weeks ago I entered and was struggling to find my wallet in the pockets. Before I manage to get it I was already said ‘you are Kamil, right?’ And since then I have no problems with being ‘identified’ by the staff.
Last Thursday, we actually tried to have it all. Verena and I went out to Havana. The party was already starting to kick off and everything was as usual – good music, a mix of interesting people and nice atmosphere. Then Ronny showed up (our dear Ronny – a funny guy whose sense of humor makes me laugh to death). The three of us had a conversation with the manager of Havana after work concept. He was telling us a lot of plans and ideas of what kind of events to organize in order to attract people. Then Ronny shot ‘maybe think of something like the Eyes Wide Shut party?’ I burst with laughing. The manager did not get that. He is a nice guy but he just does not understand our sense of humor. A few weeks ago, a lot of people I know (including me) was invited to join a facebook group called ‘Eyes Wide Shut’. The mysterious creator of the group keeps sending messages about the upcoming party. If you do not understand what I mean, just watch the Kubrick’s movie.
After a while, we decided to break with tradition and tried going to Mirano – an old but still fancy, great and widely known club in Brussels – a kind of a club who plays being hard-to-get. Soon, we were at the door. Although the club did play hard to get, we managed to enter. One thing I love it for is the interior design and the configuration of all the rooms, bars, dancing places, staircases etc. It is pretty spacious, has a few bars in different places and several floors. It actually used to be a theater before. It is not as cozy as Havana though but has its own unique atmosphere that makes up for it. At some point we were dancing in the middle when I suddenly felt I was about to fall on a guy next to me. I managed not to lose the balance and then looked around to see whether people laughed at me or thought I was so drunk (and I wasn’t… that time). Everything around me was spinning so you might think that I was drunk. But what in fact happened was that suddenly the huge dance floor in the middle started spinning around. That is why I almost fell. The dance floor was a huge circle and it started moving. For most of the rest of the night we were literally spinning around on a literally spinning dance floor.
Last night, we also went out to Havana. Although Verena left Brussels for good last Sunday and moved to Maastricht, the Netherlands where she started her masters, she came back for this one Thursday night just to be in Havana. Yesterday, everyone was there – all of my fabulous friends and party-mates. While we were dancing to the music of the cool DJ and the twin brothers playing drums and sax I thought to myself – how many things about Brussels will I miss when I leave the city? Great people I have met, the places I have discovered, the conditions of my work here, the convenience of the life, the proximity of other European cities like Paris or London – quite a long list, isn’t it? Once I am gone from here will I start missing it as much as I miss Morocco? Will I be extremely nostalgic and wishing to be back as often as I can? Or most importantly – will I want to move back here?
There are many similarities between my life in the Kingdom of Morocco and in the Kingdom of Belgium. Both countries provided me with the great lives, some great places to go out, many great ways of spending my time but as well with the moments when I was pissed off, furious or simply cursed it and wanted to be far away. I am going to be the same person anywhere I will live. I will eventually meet the same kind of people and do the same things. I will enjoy it the same way and I will hate it the same way.
I start to think that it is not about Morocco or about Belgium or about any other place in the world – it is in fact about me.
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