me, myself and I

Dear expats around the world who are my friends and who have blogs like mine!

Whenever I read your posts you almost always seem so happy to live your international experience. You barely write about negative challenges! And I think I'm going to break this trend. I will make this blog more interesting and write that sometimes (recently often) I feel bad or even depressed.

So I am admitting that I don't feel really ok here. Recently almost at all... It's been lasting more or less since my I came back from France. It's hard to tell what is exactly the reason for that... Possibly the lack of money that I encounter everyday. Little incomes and no support from family whatsoever - they even didn't want to borrow me money or they could only do it under the conditions that I don't want to fulfill. It's so upsetting when you have more support from friends than family but I think it's often a Polish thing - in the mentality of my nationality (will blog about it soon too!). My daily budget is 4euro (if I spend more I will not have money at the end of the month). It's mostly because of the fact that I was robbed in Madrid. I even don't have access to my bank account because my credit card was stolen. Anyway, I have huge debt on my bank account so maybe it's better than the access is limited. I have friends who want to borrow me money but I even don't know when I could give it back. I still want to have some trips within Morocco (i.e. desert trip) but I don't think I will be able to afford it. Today, I got so pissed off when I had to walk in the heavy rain and wind on my way to my office. I couldn't afford taking a cab (2euro) but just a bus and I had to walk around 15 minutes in the rain to reach the bus stop. Annoying and so awful.

Another thing may be my apartment that is so cold, sad and empty. Now, there is not even the Internet connection (we don't have money to pay the bill and it was recently cut...). My job kind of doesn't satisfy me or I can't focus on it properly. I mean I do my duties but less passionately than usually...

The city (Rabat) seems so boring (or I don't have money to fully enjoy it).

All these things make me so fluffy recently. I can't properly work, I don't enjoy it. Cultural shocks? Depression stage after months of amazing excitement? Call it whatever you want.

I just feel like having no goal in my life. Last 4 years of my studies is Poland I was kind of workaholic. AIESEC, studies, part-time jobs, internships. Little time for myself. Sometimes I was tired but I always was happy that things were going in my life. Whenever I had a few free days in my life I got the same feelings like now because of no stuff to do. I missed things happening. Right now, I feel as this period has been for too long and I can't see a day when it's gone... :( I have already made some steps in order to get out of this situation (I may start teaching English in the evenings to get some money and I will start free salsa classes). But for now, I feel bad all the time. I can't enjoy anything or even if I do bad mood comes back quickly.

I've had a very interesting conversation recently with my friend who is on her internship in Spain recently. She has been going through tough period lately too. We both listed all the things that pissed us off. The question is... which of these things are really responsible for our bad moods. Which of the things are just result of another annoying thing and the themselves they are not that bad but only because of THIS ONE negative thing others seems problematic too. I don't seem to enjoy job, culture, my flat or anything. I don't have money either. But maybe the problem is money only? The lack of money doesn't allow me to fully enjoy other aspects of my stay here (job, travels, culture etc). You got my point? I'm just trying to determine what lies on the bottom of my state. So that in my next country I will be able to fully take the most of my time there.

During the last weekend I also hosted one of our trainees from Casa and her Polish friend. They both met when they had their 7-month internships in India. Dorota (the Polish girl) told me that she also had gone through a crisis stage when she had been fed up with everything. She hated India and she wanted to go back to Poland. The stage passed away and she was leaving India with unbelievable experiences and nostalgia. She really believes that I am in the same stage right now and that it's normal to go through it and it finishes eventually.

I hope that the money is the real problem. Actually, it is normally nothing very much serious. It can be solved easily in my opinion. There can be worse things than this.

So let's just move our asses, stop complaining, start doing things that make us feel better and wait for the betterment.