the law of 'disattraction'

Sorry, for not having been here recently. Just before Christmas I had Ludwika coming for 2 days from Spain and later my habibi came over to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve with me. It was a great period. 1.5 a week off, hanging out in Brussels, Bruges, Antwerp and a great 3-day-trip to Paris. Meeting up with some great friends, having dinners, joggings, great NY's Eve party. Simply amazing time.

And then New Year came and along with it habibi left, the atmosphere disappeared, my flat became very quiet, the amazing light and sound show from Grand Place in Brussels was finsihed, streets got empty and it all just got very sad and dissapointing. Does it always have to be like this in the first days of New Years? After all, it's a New Year and we all should start it positively with right approach and right feelings. Apparently, it does not work for me like this.

I believe the most crucial factor that influenced me and my bad mood in the first days of the year was the fact that I had to start studying for my exams. To those that forgot (including me I suppose) I am still a student even though I have a full time job in Brussels. I am on my fifth year. My thesis is already written but I just have to review and correct it and moreover I have some few exams to pass. The projected graduation date should be somewhere around June and please, kick me hard if it is not going to be the case. All of the sudden, after successful more than three months of explaining to all of my professors I would not be attending the classes and fixing the dates and conditions of my exams, I got scared. The last time I went to a class was in May 2007. And now after almost 2 years I need to write exams. I lost the habitude, I lost the feeling of being a student (had I ever had it before?) - I exchanged the current semester of studies into one week of exams preceded by just a few days of studying. I just want to get it over with. Rationally speaking (and this is also what everyone keeps telling me), I should not have any problems with my exams within these few days. So why do I get scared? Why did I panic? Why don't I want to go to Poland?

And we reach here another interesting point. Again, I am going to Poland (17-24 January 2009) in some weird and unpleasent circumstances. Not only my studies but also some weird situation with my family. It is the second time I go to Poland since I do not live there permanently and it is going to be bizarre again. Last time I went there, it was when I left Morocco and you all heard enough of that so I will not repeat it here. One more time, because of all those negative conditions I do not feel comfortable with going to my own country. I wish I could be after this trip now. I associate all my visits to Poland with dealing with this strange stuff and thus I keep atributing it to my country which does no good to my relationship with Poland.

I do not want to go there. Will I always feel like this? Or is it just now? Maybe once I am done with my studies I will be able to just go there, relax, catch up with family and friends? I do hope so.

They say that once you travel a lot abroad and then come back to country you should realize that there is no better place to live than your Motherland. Shame to admit but it was different for me. I had never before [consciously] found Poland ugly or unpleasent to live. I had never wanted to live abroad permanently. Just before I went to Morocco I initially planned to return to Poland and live there for good. Once I got outside the country I liked living abroad so much that I believe I will never feel like returning. And that is acceptable - but why do I have to dislike it so strongly? Because of all the negative aspects that I will have there soon or had when coming back from Morocco (dealing with studies after fabulous year of living abroad, some health problems I had, a death of a close member of family, living back with parents and having shitty and frustrating job, lack of international aspects etc)?

Or maybe - and even though it is hard to admit that I will do it - because there is not much things (and people?) there that I need to have in my life... at least on a regular basis. I hope it is not the right answer...