Quite possible that all of them are right. I do not know whether I made a mistake starting to study economics. It did make me who I am now and whom I know which is not too shabby whatsoever. But also, it is for sure not something that will make me do a job that I will be crazy about. And I think I need a little bit of the craziness. On the other hand, my course of studies allows me to do a job that provides me with money for doing things I love. I have quite a decent amount of days off and I am well paid which helps me travel, go out and save. But can't we have it all? To do what we like and earn money in the same time. Is it only the shitty jobs that are paid so good in order to attract people to do them? Will no one pay a sufficient money to a person who likes their job? Are there people who both adore their jobs and make enough money? Or are they like Yeti? You know they exist but they were never seen.
This is all not only black and white. It is a very risky territory. What I do now is not only boring and meaningless. I am saving money for the first time in my life. If I stay a couple of years I will get promoted quite quickly and will be able to make more money and e.g. buy an apartment. Changing it all? How should I know the new thing will be much more exciting especially if now I presume there are some drawbacks stopping me from quitting my current job and starting some crazier and less predictable like i.e. teaching English around the world. How do I know I will be a good teacher? I was a private math tutor back in Poland and it was not the easiest job in the world. How do I know I will easily find and employment not being a native speaker. It is very unstable in terms of incomes and they are rarely relatively low.
Speaking about the current job can I say that I have given it enough time to like and accept it? Maybe I still need some more weeks or months to be fully inducted and much more comfortable with it. Should I give up on things that easily and change them so immediately having realized I do not like them? Yes, it is good to be flexible and change the negative aspects of our lives. But shouldn't we sometimes wait a bit and let things adjust in our lives so that we are more convenient with them as time passes by? On the other hand, you always have to do what you truly like and what makes you enjoy it. On another hand, I am afraid that as a job is always something that you have to do you will never be able to enjoy fully as it is always a must. So will I ever like my job? Is it possible?
A job-hunt process is something that makes me work really hard and be very efficient but when there are problems or when I am rejected I am very upset and it gets me very down really easily. Last week, I started sending some inquiries about possible jobs in the same field and company I am in now but in different countries. After receiving a few negative replies (mostly due to lack of needs of new employees usually because of the economical crisis), I realized that 'here we go again'. I am again in this frustrating process of looking for a job. It will be very hard given the circumstances. I will suffer again. But in this case there will be no happy end. Even if I find a suitable job that fits my profile I will not be satisfied because this job is not something I am excited about or I want to do later. Don't you think it is really sick? Getting frustrated while looking for a job that you know it will not make you enjoy that and thus being later frustrated again once you start the work you even do not like? It is like being upset because you cannot have the thing that you not only do not need but even do not like. I felt like this last week. And it just got me very sad when I realized how fucked up that was...
I believe it is the first time in my life that I have such a multidimensional dilemma. There is so many options, possibilities and sets of solutions. So many questions and so few answers. And it is not the situation I deal with well. I need to have if not the full answers then at least clear options of the future. Even though I am not entirely sure what I will choose I need to have some paths I will later follow. I need to have a plan that will lead me there and once executed will make me achieve it. This is not the case right now. Plans change. Options come and go. No stability, no good road to follow. I know I should go after the voice of my heart. But I should not mute the voice of my bank account, health insurance and pension fund either. And both of them seem to say different things, don't they? Unless I do not hear well or I misinterpret them.
I am thinking a lot and I cannot stop that whatsoever. I am analyzing, asking questions, investigating, fitting different options, talking to people, attempting to learn from their mistakes and not to do mine anymore, creating different scenarios, calculating financial projections. And this drives me insane. It drives me crazy on a bumpy and rocky road with many ups and downs. It does not seem I can see the end of the road from here where I am now. But I know it does not mean the end is not somewhere there. I know this road a bit. I went through it a few consecutive years in the past. It always took slightly different turns but it would always end. And it was a good end. A happy end.
The end... (a happy one)
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