the theory of relativity

The bad season came unexpectedly along with the New Year of 2009. It showed me its nasty images and did not let enjoy my life in this city properly. Or maybe it was me who went to the DVD store and took the wrong CD with the wrong season. Was it my entire fault not to be able to enjoy my life as it deserves to be enjoyed? Did I make enough efforts to get the new season? Or maybe I had too much of a bad attitude?

Why can't we (or rather I) be happy the way we should be especially when we have few worries around? Are we too idealistic? Requiring? Neurotic? Unfair towards ourselves and our achievements?

If 10 years ago, someone had told me how my life would look like in 2009 I would probably not have believed them. It would have sounded to me like a never-attainable dream. A paradise. Living and working abroad. Having great parties and travels. Going out and spending time with wonderful people. Earning decent money and having promising perspectives for the future.

In 1999, if someone had said offered all that, I would have accepted it without a sign of hesitation or questioning. I would have taken it all with my eyes closed. I would have embraced it and thanked God for the rest of my life.

And now, that I have it all I am often not able to fully enjoy it and live it the way it should be lived. Is it because I am neurotic, over-demanding and always-complaining?

This all just shows that happiness is a very relative term. And I am not speaking about how it is perceived by various people because then we will obviously see it is very relative. But even us – we see it differently depending on what we currently have and what we still want to achieve. It is much more difficult to stop, look back and smile. Instead we just look forward and run with tired faces.

But on the other hand, maybe we should keep questioning what we have and make sure that what we have is what we really need. Do I really require too much when I say I want to like what I do? Or simply I did not try hard enough to be convinced it would be something for me? Does it take time to start liking it or you should know it right away? Should I give it more time? Should I be punished for not entirely enjoying it while other people from my country and of my age say I am extremely lucky to have this kind of life given the current economical situation? If I change it will it make me happier or will I find other aspects to complain about? Should I fight for something I am not sure I want to win? Maybe, once achieved I will love it. Or maybe I will want to toss it away and struggle to get something new.

I guess the bad season is not because I like something or not.

It is definitely because I do not have enough answers. Instead there are too many unsolved equations.