My friend Mona once told me "Kamil, you are a person with the future and with the past. You don't have the presence. You barely enjoy what is now." That's kind of truth. I usually have some nostalgy about the past and I value it more than when it was presence. And I always have a lot of plans for the future that makes me work and achieve them.
Now that I came back to Poland I was scared to discover that I don't even enjoy the past. Yesterday, I went to my university and I felt as if I traveled back in time. I didn't like this feeling. I want to be done with my studies as soon as possible and going there or thinking about it doesn't make me feel better. Yesterday I felt as if I were again in 2007 or earlier.
The second day after I got home I opened all my boxes with my stuff. It was brought from the apartment where I lived for 1.5 year just before I went to Morocco. That was a real travel back in time. I even forgot about some of the things I had. I felt overwhelmed by all these things. It terrified me. I threw away most of the stuff. I gave away majority of my clothes.
Then I asked myself a question - why am I so uncomfortable with my past? It was for sure more boring period than Morocco but I achieved a lot. I did a lot of good things. So why do I want to cut off the past? As if my life was just about to start right now.
I feel bad because I have so many bad feelings about Poland. I feel I never want to leave here anymore (I felt the same most of the time when I was in Morocco but now it's just so much stronger). Why do I feel so negative about the country where I spent all my life? Why do I find it impossible to live here for good?
I guess my feelings will calm down once I am in Belgium but will I always be so angry whenever I visit Poland?
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